Politics As Seen Through Dork Colored Lenses

Let’s talk comics!

No, let’s talk politics!

Eh, that’s not right, either. Let’s talk comics and politics!!!

Leave it up to me to meld the two, but us Americans (not to mention the rest of the world) just experienced something so groundbreaking, they’ll be teaching kids about it in US schools until the end of time, so it’s kind of difficult not to be political in a blog that I’m writing 2 days after an amazing election.

Granted, Steven Colbert did not win. Not even in the Marvel Universe. This is not a good time for the GOP. Maybe he should have run in the DC Universe’s Bizzaro World. And fuck you Spell Checker for telling me “Bizzaro” isn’t a real word.

(**Note: I just went over this whole thing after proofing it and it's long. No, forget that, it's fucking huge. So, be warned if you don't give 2 shits about comic books or what I think about comic books, don't even bother reading this and wasting your time. Seriously, I didn't even bother with bold lettering my usual points of interest. And humor isn't going to save me this go around, because, well, this blog just isn't very funny. There's really not much room for cynical humor when it comes to the comics industry. Not for me. Unless you're a DC comic, in which case you're a joke unto yourself.)

There have been some really great comics that have been coming out lately that are direct reflections to today’s world events. As usual, I’m going to primarily focus on Marvel because as we all know I don’t do DC, with the exception of Vertigo and on some very rare occasions Wildstorm, so I have no idea what their idiot, bland comics are about. Probably yet another Infinite something-or-other. Makes me want to take an Infinite Dump. Anyway, Spider-Man!!!! God damn, I love Spider-Man. Always have, always will. Especially this month since there are 2, count ‘em 2, back-to-back issues that I can relevantly talk about. The first being The Amazing Spider-Man #573.



This issue not only ties up the very cool ‘New Ways to Die’ story-line (welcoming back the penciling genius of John Romita Jr), but it included an 8-page story featuring Steven Colbert in all of his truthiness glory. Needless to say, it was pretty damned funny. From Colbert’s despair at possibly not winning the election and doing the whole “Spider-Man No More” scenario (including the panel of him walking away from the garbage can he left his tie and jacket in, straight outta Amazing #50), to accidentally getting mixed up in a fight between Spidey and The Grizzly (of all things) and thinking he was in the midst of an assassination attempt, to swinging off with the web head, it was ridiculous, it was funny, and it was a great end to all of the “Colbert ‘08” signs that have been popping up in the comics for the past few months. There’s even a cool variant cover from Joe Quesada himself based on Amazing Fantasy #15’s iconic cover The regular cover is a badass rendition by Romita, Jr of Norman Osborn/Green Goblin ready to throw down. There's also a pretty sweet looking zombie variant, but, honestly, I am so fucking sick of all of the zombie bullshit. Enough already!

God damnit. I just spilled coffee down the front of myself. I hate these idiotic sippy lids they make us put on our cups at work.



Okay, a week or 2 later, we get Amazing Spider-Man #574 (it comes out 3 times a month now), starring Peter Parker’s old friend and former high school tormentor Eugene “Flash” Thompson. It was kind of cool to see him since it’s been a while and he’s had such a big impact on Peter, making Parker the person he is. (A note to all of you bullies: all you were doing is building our characters, so by the time it mattered, we were doing awesome and you were probably still a bunch of worthless assholes.) I always thought that Flash was kind of a neat character. Even though he beat on “Puny” Parker, he was the founder and president of the Spider-Man fan club. Oh, comic book irony, I love you. Because of this he found himself in some bad spots, like being mistaken for Spider-Man and donning the mantle of the Green Goblin for a stint. Jesus, who hasn’t been the Goblin at one point or another, in one form or another? Well, later on Flash stopped being a right schmuck and he and Peter became friends. He did a stint in the military and ended up teaching Phys Ed at the same high school Peter briefly taught Science at. He’s been kind of MIA for a while (no pun intended).

The whole story is a recollection Flash is giving from a hospital bed to a General interviewing him for the Medal of Honor. Flash goes into detail of how his squad is attacked while checking out an Iraqi village and how he saved the life of one of his teammates or whatever they call each other at great expense to himself. Turns out the expense was the loss of his legs. Pretty powerful stuff considering Flash Thompson has been an on again/off again major character. Throughout the story, the writer equates Flash's selfless actions to those of Spider-Man, tying it all together. A lot of people are going off saying that this was just pro-war propoganda and that it made Iraqi soldiers look inhuman and crazed and yadda yadda yadda. Whatever. I, personally, can't stand the military and I think we never should have gone to war to begin with. However, I still feel most of the people over there serving their country are some brave and selfless motherfuckers and this issue is a great tribute to them. I only hope that they get to come home to their families soon and in one piece because, unlike Flash Thompson, they won't be able to get cybernetic legs like he'll be able to (*ahem* Bucky Barnes, Misty Knight, etc).



Next up we've got Thor #11. I've been blown away by the new volume of Thor ever since it started back up a year ago. I've never been a huge Thor fan (with the exception of the disgustingly amazing job Garth Ennis did with the Thor: Vikings mini-series), but with J. Michael Straczynski writing and Olivier Coipel's penciling, it's hard not to become a fan. In this issue Thor gets to say good-bye to Steve Rogers (the 100% deceased Captain America). It is the one year anniversary of Cap's fatal shooting and every televison and radio network is broadcasting about it in their own propoganda-laden ways. Thor "talks" to Cap at his monument, saying his adieus, when the ghost of Steve Rogers appears (believe me, it's a lot cooler than it sounds). He tells Thor that all he wants is a moment's peace and he can't stand the constant chatter that is going on in his name and the way people are twisting his image around to suit their own agendas (perfect metaphor for what the media does to the concept of America). Thor ends up hightailing it up into the atmosphere and takes out a satelite, thus cutting off all media feeds for a few minutes, giving Cap his "moment of silence." Pretty powerful stuff. Of course, Loki (now a female because all women are tricksters) is planting rather poisonous seeds in the head of Thor's brother Baldur and all other Asgardians, which is starting to cause all sorts of problems, but whatever. Fuck them. We're talking about Cap, man.

And speaking of Captain America, last month finally concluded the nearly 2-year run of The Death of Captain America, with the Red Skull, Doctor Faustas, and that crazy robot bastard Arnim Zola being thwarted from fixing the presidential election and the Winter Soldier, also known as the now very much alive Bucky Barnes, becoming the new Captain America. Man, where was he when Florida needed him back in 2000? This story line was the mother of all conspiracies and had more twists than a twizler, but it was pretty damned entertaining. I've never been much for Captain America comics because they've always been pretty hokey, but this was completely hokey free, not to mention dark as hell. It almost played out like a badass James Bond book, minus the suits and martinis.


I present to you the new Capt. America!!!! Believe me, he's a total ass kicker.

Okay, I'm all comic booked out. It is now 4:00 on Monday, meaning it took me 5 days to write this one blog. For fuck sake. I really need to stop trying to write these at work. I think my next blog is going to be about the recent Star Wars kick I've been into these past few weeks. I can pretty much guarantee you that one will be way the hell more funny than this long ass post.