As always, CHUD says it best.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Preach On?
Knee jerk reaction makes me want to jump for joy. However, Preacher in a 2 hour film? This might not be such a hot idea. Best of luch, Sam. Putting an issue an episode on HBO was a muuuuch better plan.
As always, CHUD says it best.
As always, CHUD says it best.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Damn, Sam
So there I am the other day sitting on the toilet at work and thinking about random things as I so often do while pooping. (I know, awesome way to start a blog.) For some reason I got to thinking about the cast of “Diff’rent Strokes” and how it’s a damn shame that everyone knows what happened to everyone on that show, but no one really knows or cares what happened to Sam. Remember Sam? That little ginger kid? Dixie Carter and, later, Mary Ann Mobley’s son? (See, there they go switching actors again! Damnit!! They replaced Dixie Carter but they just flat out fired Dana Plato???? I call horse shit!) We all know Todd Bridges is in rehab and trying to kill people. We all know Dana Plato’s dead after robbing a video store. We all know Gary Coleman is still diminutive and jumping on cars. Hell, you should even know how Charlotte Rae’s doing if you’ve seen “Don’t Mess With the Zohan” or have seen her cabaret. (Yes, unfortunately I said cabaret). But what about little Danny Cooksey?
Wrong ginger.
That's the one!!!
Turns out he was on “Salute Your Shorts.” Well, when this show was being aired on Nickelodeon, I didn’t have cable because my family was poor and we lived in the middle of nowhere. Besides, from the couple of times I’ve seen that show at friends’ houses, the only character that sticks out in my mind is Dick Lips or Donkey Lips or whatever the hell his name was. I also remember “Hey, Dude” because I thought it was a retarded fucking show and couldn’t understand how “You Can’t Do That On Television” wasn’t around anymore but that was. Good lord, come to think of it, if you really couldn’t do those things on TV in the early 80’s, I’d hate to see what that show would be like now. I guess that’s why we have Youtube and FoxNews.
Apparently, you CAN do that on television.
Back to little Danny. So, okay, we have “Salute Your Shorts,” but what then? I’ll tell you what then. Rock ‘N Roll, bitches!!! That’s right, little Danny Cooksey is all grown up and playing metal!! He even found himself in a Steve Vai band called Bad4Good. Bad4Good!!! How awesome is that?!?! Plus, he was in Terminator 2. No shit. Looks like our little man has been pretty busy being rad. I can relate.
Fuck you, Hanson
These days he does voice acting for video games and animated shows. In case you didn’t know, animated shows used to be known as “cartoons.” He’s also married to a makeup artist named Amber. Let me reiterate: A makeup artist named Amber. Yep, I’m pretty sure she’s hot. What really blows my mind is that he’s the same age I am. Or will be, at any rate, on November 2, so be sure to wish him a happy birthday and turn your clocks back an hour. I guess I should stop calling him “little.” The guy could probably shove his guitar up my ass and play Don’t Fear the Reaper with my chest hair.
What I find really freaky is that he looks an awful lot like my buddy, Ben.
Ben? Danny?
Danny? Ben?
P.S. Last night's episode of Heroes suuuuucked. If you can't figure out a way to get from Point A to Point B without insulting my intelligence, don't even bother.
Wrong ginger.
That's the one!!!
Turns out he was on “Salute Your Shorts.” Well, when this show was being aired on Nickelodeon, I didn’t have cable because my family was poor and we lived in the middle of nowhere. Besides, from the couple of times I’ve seen that show at friends’ houses, the only character that sticks out in my mind is Dick Lips or Donkey Lips or whatever the hell his name was. I also remember “Hey, Dude” because I thought it was a retarded fucking show and couldn’t understand how “You Can’t Do That On Television” wasn’t around anymore but that was. Good lord, come to think of it, if you really couldn’t do those things on TV in the early 80’s, I’d hate to see what that show would be like now. I guess that’s why we have Youtube and FoxNews.
Apparently, you CAN do that on television.
Back to little Danny. So, okay, we have “Salute Your Shorts,” but what then? I’ll tell you what then. Rock ‘N Roll, bitches!!! That’s right, little Danny Cooksey is all grown up and playing metal!! He even found himself in a Steve Vai band called Bad4Good. Bad4Good!!! How awesome is that?!?! Plus, he was in Terminator 2. No shit. Looks like our little man has been pretty busy being rad. I can relate.
Fuck you, Hanson
These days he does voice acting for video games and animated shows. In case you didn’t know, animated shows used to be known as “cartoons.” He’s also married to a makeup artist named Amber. Let me reiterate: A makeup artist named Amber. Yep, I’m pretty sure she’s hot. What really blows my mind is that he’s the same age I am. Or will be, at any rate, on November 2, so be sure to wish him a happy birthday and turn your clocks back an hour. I guess I should stop calling him “little.” The guy could probably shove his guitar up my ass and play Don’t Fear the Reaper with my chest hair.
What I find really freaky is that he looks an awful lot like my buddy, Ben.
Ben? Danny?
Danny? Ben?
P.S. Last night's episode of Heroes suuuuucked. If you can't figure out a way to get from Point A to Point B without insulting my intelligence, don't even bother.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Speed Freak
I just realized it’s been way over a week since I last posted. Despite my prior claims of not giving a flying poo, I really did have every intention of posting to this thing regularly. The best laid plans of mice and men. This is what happens when a really lazy person constantly finds himself doing 10 different things at once. This whole ADD thing will be the death of me, I just….
Sorry, I got distracted. What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. Let’s talk movies!!!
You know him. You love him. I almost was him this Halloween (I just couldn’t find a female brave enough or who gave a shit enough to be my counterpart. Shocking, no?)!!! Here he comes! It’s Speed Racer!!
That’s right, I wanted to be the Man with the Monogram G for Halloween but I couldn’t find one single lady who wanted to be Trixie. It’s fucking Trixie for crying out loud!!! It’s not like I was asking them to be Chim Chim or the Socket to my Plug or some other equally horrible couple’s costume. Hell, they even have Sexy Trixie outfits in case my lady wanted to whore it up a bit. (Have you seen the Sexy Super Hero costumes this year? Oh man oh man. If my girl dressed in one of those, I’d have to dress up as a tent. If you can’t figure out why, you need to watch more internet porn or do more camping.)
Pretty-Damn sexy
Are-You-Fucking-Kidding-Me Sexy
I’m digressing, I know. I’m surrounded by heart breakers and buzz kills.
When I had first watched the trailer for Speed Racer online, I was skeptical, at best. Okay, I’m fibbing a little. I thought it was going to be a huge pile of dung. It looked way too flashy, way too CGI’d, and I had just seen Alpha Dog so the last thing I wanted to see was Emile Hirsch as Speed running around, doing blow, and paying his friends to off Spritle and bury him in a shallow grave. Actually, come to think of it, hell yeah I’d want to see that!! Regardless, a live-action film remake of an ancient, quirky Anime directed by the Wachowski brothers doesn’t exactly sound like a winner. This is why I was a little baffled when my comrade-in-arms, Brian, told me he really enjoyed it. That alone got me very, very interested.
Unfortunately, I watched this as a download on my computer and not in the IMAX, which would have made my Willy wiley. For the record, Willy is the name of one of the chimp actors who played Chim Chim. I can’t believe I actually just typed “chimp actors.” This movie was truly outstanding! First off, I really didn’t know who was in it, aside from Emile Hirsch and, of course, Matthew Fox, because I’m a Lostie. (Yes, I feel as gay as that sounds.) You can just imagine my delight when Christina and her Riccis came bouncing into frame. And at one point she truly was bouncing a bit. I probably rewound and watched that same 1.5 seconds a good 10 times. Susan Sarandon was in the shot, too, but I did my best to not let that kill the mood. I just kept thinking back to how hot she was in Rocky Horror (though, for the record, I still can’t stand that movie or its hellish songs). I was also pretty damned happy to see John Goodman as Pops. They really couldn’t have cast that part any better. Of course, there was Chim Chim and Spritle. Seriously, you just want to kick the living hell out of that little shit Spritle through the whole movie, but Chim Chim was alright. I can’t stand overly-rambunctious little kids, but I do have a soft spot for primates, even crazy, violent ones like chimps. Especially crazy, violent ones. Ever see Monkey Shines? Oh hells yes.
When I had first watched the trailer for Speed Racer online, I was skeptical, at best. Okay, I’m fibbing a little. I thought it was going to be a huge pile of dung. It looked way too flashy, way too CGI’d, and I had just seen Alpha Dog so the last thing I wanted to see was Emile Hirsch as Speed running around, doing blow, and paying his friends to off Spritle and bury him in a shallow grave. Actually, come to think of it, hell yeah I’d want to see that!! Regardless, a live-action film remake of an ancient, quirky Anime directed by the Wachowski brothers doesn’t exactly sound like a winner. This is why I was a little baffled when my comrade-in-arms, Brian, told me he really enjoyed it. That alone got me very, very interested.
Unfortunately, I watched this as a download on my computer and not in the IMAX, which would have made my Willy wiley. For the record, Willy is the name of one of the chimp actors who played Chim Chim. I can’t believe I actually just typed “chimp actors.” This movie was truly outstanding! First off, I really didn’t know who was in it, aside from Emile Hirsch and, of course, Matthew Fox, because I’m a Lostie. (Yes, I feel as gay as that sounds.) You can just imagine my delight when Christina and her Riccis came bouncing into frame. And at one point she truly was bouncing a bit. I probably rewound and watched that same 1.5 seconds a good 10 times. Susan Sarandon was in the shot, too, but I did my best to not let that kill the mood. I just kept thinking back to how hot she was in Rocky Horror (though, for the record, I still can’t stand that movie or its hellish songs). I was also pretty damned happy to see John Goodman as Pops. They really couldn’t have cast that part any better. Of course, there was Chim Chim and Spritle. Seriously, you just want to kick the living hell out of that little shit Spritle through the whole movie, but Chim Chim was alright. I can’t stand overly-rambunctious little kids, but I do have a soft spot for primates, even crazy, violent ones like chimps. Especially crazy, violent ones. Ever see Monkey Shines? Oh hells yes.
Enough about the cast, let’s talk about the action! I used to watch Nascar back in the day with my friends. This proves that I’ll do anything to find an excuse to sit around and drink with my buddies. However, I might have forgotten about the beer altogether if Nascar resembled anything I saw on the screen during Speed Racer. When I said that it looked like it had too much CGI, I was obviously talking out of my ass and I had no inkling of how the world actually works. It was perfect! The colors were glaring, the action was fucking intense, and the gadgets these cars had were nothing less than badass. I mean, the only thing that would have made it all more exciting is if they added battle ponies (what I call unicorns) with rocket launchers to the races. All of that crazy hydraulic-lifting, buzz-saw-wheel, road-burning, explosive, flying-off-the-blacktop, over-the-top-character action you remember as a kid from the anime was in this movie. I was seriously impressed and I fully forgive the Wachowskis for ruining a good thing with Matrixes 2 and 3. (In all honesty, they already found retribution with V for Vendetta, but I still like to talk shit.) Plus, they gave us the best of both worlds: the insane, physically impossible race tracks and the deadly cross country marathons. They fit everything that needed to be fit into this movie and followed the feel of the original cartoon perfectly in just a mere 2 hours. Not to mention a good two-thirds of the film was spent racing fucking killer, sleek, future cars. I mean, these guys were installing parts into cars that don't even exist!!! They were all glowy and steamy!!! Good God I want one!
I’m sure there are other things I can say about this film, but it’s been something like a month since I watched it and a lot has been pushed to the side by newer things in my memory. All I can say is that I wanted to be Speed for Halloween. ‘Nuff said.
I could have been one of these assholes. *sigh*
Best Movie Moment: the races and Christina Riccis tits. I mean, you don’t really get any good boob shots, but by God, it’s enough just knowing that they’re there. Oh, and Matt Fox as Racer X has a pretty cool final scene. It wasn’t groundbreaking or anything, but it was a revelation that was executed pretty well. Here's some food for thought: I just realized that Racer X would have been a role probably awarded to Keanu Reeves if it weren't for the existance of Matt Fox's recent celebrity. Now imagine how much better Keanu Reeves' movies would have been if he were replaced by Fox (Bill and Ted excluded, naturally). Crazy, right?
Most Awkward Movie Moment: Spritle giving the one-finger salute to the bad guy (and jonesing for candy like a crack whore in a walk-in clinic) and Speed Racer using foul language. He said shit or fuck or something so out of character that it made even my gutter mouth drop a little. Alpha Racer.
What a twat.
Let’s talk music!
Lego Like Me
Anyone hear the new TV on the Radio album I had mentioned a few posts back? It’s called “Dear Science.” It should have been called “Dear Jesus, Joseph, and Motherfucking Mary” because it’s that damned good! They have seriously outdone themselves with this one. Honorable mentions go out to the new Chuck Ragan and Austin Lucas “Bristle Ridge” (if you have a chance to see them live, do it), The Sea and Cake’s “Car Alarm,” and Wolf Parade’s “At Mount Zoomer” (I know it’s been out for a while, but I have this terrible habit of being months if not years behind everyone else).
I’ve also been listening to Caribou and Loney, Dear a lot lately. It’s just one of those things where you don’t listen to a band for a while and then you rediscover their greatness somewhere down the road.
Since I am yet again writing this at work, I have to cut it a bit short (even though everyone around me is browsing the internets). Believe me, I have a lot more to talk about in the realms of comic books, specifically the current run of the X books and the Secret Invasion series, and video games. I just subscribed to Gamefly (best idea I’ve ever had, I think) and I got my mitts on the highly addictive and highly frustrating Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The game has bugs galore, but hot damn is it fun.
See you later, masticators.
Religious zealots are killing the wrong doctors. Stupid breast reductions.
Let’s talk music!
Lego Like Me
Anyone hear the new TV on the Radio album I had mentioned a few posts back? It’s called “Dear Science.” It should have been called “Dear Jesus, Joseph, and Motherfucking Mary” because it’s that damned good! They have seriously outdone themselves with this one. Honorable mentions go out to the new Chuck Ragan and Austin Lucas “Bristle Ridge” (if you have a chance to see them live, do it), The Sea and Cake’s “Car Alarm,” and Wolf Parade’s “At Mount Zoomer” (I know it’s been out for a while, but I have this terrible habit of being months if not years behind everyone else).
I’ve also been listening to Caribou and Loney, Dear a lot lately. It’s just one of those things where you don’t listen to a band for a while and then you rediscover their greatness somewhere down the road.
Since I am yet again writing this at work, I have to cut it a bit short (even though everyone around me is browsing the internets). Believe me, I have a lot more to talk about in the realms of comic books, specifically the current run of the X books and the Secret Invasion series, and video games. I just subscribed to Gamefly (best idea I’ve ever had, I think) and I got my mitts on the highly addictive and highly frustrating Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The game has bugs galore, but hot damn is it fun.
See you later, masticators.
Religious zealots are killing the wrong doctors. Stupid breast reductions.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Red Shoe Files? The X-Shoe Diaries?
I’m breaking some serious rules here. I’m currently at work and completely bored out of my gourd (just in time for the Fall!!). I was going to post a gourd image, but forget it. People go crazy over those things!!!! I got scared. Anyway, I’ve already finished my work for the day and I have 5 hours to go. What better time to get some blogging in! I just know I’m going to get canned.
Let’s talk TV.
Anyone catch this week’s Heroes? It was the perfect mixture of hokey, bad acting, and amazing plot surprises. I was happy. And William Katt made an appearance again, even if it were simply a photo in a newspaper article. Oh, Billy, you’ll always be my Greatest American Hero. It's criminal you got offed in the first episode.
I’m also proud to report that Pushing Daisies is back on the air with Season #2!!! Seriously, one of my most favorite shows of all time. If you haven’t watched it yet, don’t start now. Well, I guess you could, but I suggest you watch the first 9 episodes of Season 1. You won’t get lost like with…well, Lost if you don’t, but it would certainly help. Oh, and if you haven't yet seen Lee Pace in The Fall, you really need to re-prioritize.
Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job just wrapped up the Season 3 finale last week with Brownie Mountain. Is it just me or are the seasons getting progressively shorter and shorter? It ravages me on the kitchen table and is out the door before I can even get out an “I love you,” leaving me a sweaty and confused mess. Come home soon, Tim and Eric. Come home soon.
But enough about my love life. Let’s talk movies!
Okay, as promised, here is what I thought of the rest of the films I saw while I was fighting off the SARS virus.
I’m going to start with The Mummy: Something About a Dragon King or Something Like That. Poop sandwich. The first 2 movies were adventurous and fun. This was not. That’s all I can really say about it. Great idea. Sad execution. Having another actress play Rachel Weiss’s role ruined it for me. I can’t stand when they do that. Just do what they did in the Jaws series when Roy Scheider didn’t come back and say she died of a heart attack in between films. I mean, something like 20 years had gone by between 2 and 3, so it could have been done (and yet, everyone except their kid and, of course, Rachel Weiss, miraculously looked exactly the same. Must have been the Pearl Cream they picked up in Shangrila). There. Problem solved. And no one had to exhaust their suspension of disbelief, because God knows we needed it with this bullshit. I’d go into the plot, but what do you possibly need to know? Everyone is bored with their non-mummy fighting lives. Wouldn’t you know it, a mummy comes to life. He has magic. He’s Chinese. He turns into a dragon. Slapstick genius Brendan Frasier and family fight him, thus giving their lives purpose once more and bringing them all closer together. The end.
Rachel Weiss
Not Rachel Weiss
Best movie moment: Yetis. Anything that includes the cousins of the great Florida Skunkape can’t be all bad. Except this movie. It would need about a dozen more Snowmen, and handful of Snipes, and a whole army of Chupacabras to have saved itself.
Most awkward movie moment: everything else. I haven’t scratched my head this much over a Brendan Frasier film since Monkeybone.
Since we’re loosely on the subject of Where-Are-They-Now plot devices, let’s take a look at X-Files: I Want to Believe. It was the longest episode of the X-Files I have ever seen. That’s pretty much the extent of it. Mulder is in hiding from the FBI after having been canned and made to look nuts (you can tell he’s in hiding because of his unkempt beard), Scully is some kind of brain surgeon in a religiously run hospital (you can tell a lot of time has gone by because of her long hair), and they’re both bumping uglies. Oh, Amanda Peet’s in it, too, only not naked. Already a bad mark for this flick. Aside from mentioning his AWOL sister a couple of times, this movie has absolutely nothing at all to do with the usual X-Files fair of evil aliens and cloned superhumans. It was merely a filler episode. A really long filler episode. Now that’s not to say it wasn’t at all entertaining. X-Files has a special place in my heart and it was really nice to see Agents Mulder and Scully doing what they do best (never mind that I pretty much stopped watching when the T-2000 became a regular). Though, you’d think after all these years and all the shit she’s been witness to, Dana Scully would get her head out of her ass and stop being such a God damned Doubting Thomas. They really played up to her strengths as an actual doctor, which is something they rarely did in the television series aside from using it to accentuate her stance as “the logical one,” which always kind of bugged me. Mulder was just plain, old Mulder. Not much about this guy has changed with the exception of his beard and newly admitted sex lust. I’ve always wished they’d do an X-Files/Red Shoe Diaries crossover.
Best movie moment: the return of father figure and all around awesome bald guy Agent Skinner. It happens pretty late in the film, but when he finally shows up, you just know everything is going to be all right.
Most awkward movie moment: how this episode suddenly became a movie in its final 10 minutes. So there I am, enjoying the show and wondering if Chris Carter knows how much JJ Abrams has ripped him off with Fringe, when all of a sudden the orchestra comes in and Mulder and Scully are having “a Hollywood moment.” What the fuck?!?!? It was like being tossed into ice water after getting out of a sauna. I could have done without that forced bit of nonsense.
Of course, there was that bit of awkwardness with Billy Connolly being a convicted child molesting psychic ex-priest who bleeds from his eyes. I shit you not. I couldn't make something like that up. Not that I'd really want to.
The fuck is this nonsense?!?!? Give me some aliens, damnit!!!!!!!
Oh, and speaking of Fringe and rip-offs, Jerry Bruckheimer’s The Eleventh Hour is on tonight on CBS. Oh, so is the American version of Life On Mars on ABC. Normally, I’d predict it would be a huge piece of shit if it weren’t for Harvey Keitel being in it and the success of our version of The Office. Whatever. At least Reality TV is going the way of Paris Hilton’s vajayjay.
Okay, enough digressing. Now I want to talk about a fun movie. Not a great movie by any stretch, but fun nonetheless. It’s a little known film called The Mutant Chronicles and it stars Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman with an awful brogue accent, that one scary Asian chick from Sin City, and a couple of dudes from some Guy Ritchie films. Oh, and John Malkovich is in it as, what else, an ambiguously gay, apathetic city leader. Don't be confused like was at first. This has absolutely nothing to do with the collectible figure game nor the piece of shit computer game. Me being who I am, I was desperately hoping to see some mutants with laser beams coming out of their eyes and healing factors and shit. No such luck. What I got was a movie that was cross between I Am Legend, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Doomsday, and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. No lie.
Wrong mutants.
I have nothing really bad to say about this movie mainly because I kinda knew what to expect going in. When you jump into a pool with no water, you know you're going to walk away with a limp. A huge machine sent from another planet starts making killer mutants out of people (they’re basically really fast crazies with spikes for hands and super tough to kill). “The Ancients” or whatever seal this thing up underground and it stays there until a great war breaks the seal (as usual) and the machine picks back up where it left off. A ragtag group of Earth’s last hope, led by Hellboy and The Punisher, is assembled and journeys underground to blow the machine up. Hilarity and sword fights ensue. Did I mention Ron Perlman has a shitty brogue accent?
My only real gripe about this film is that it chronologically makes little sense. They state the amount of time that goes by during the course of the film but it never matches up with the events that take place. I don’t know, maybe time is different in the future.
Best movie moment: every sacrifice made from every character in the film. No joke. Damn near every single person in this movie sacrifices him or herself for the rest of the group, until there’s one man standing. Of course, that one man standing didn’t sacrifice shit and lived to tell the tale, so good for him. There’s also a part that had potential to be the best movie moment where Thomas Jane gets turned into half a mutant. Does he get super mutant powers? Faster? Stronger? Spike hand? Does he go head-to-head with the evil mutants as a super hybrid mutant man destroying all in his path? Nope. He gets a fucked up face, loses half his hair, and dicks around. That’s it. What a waste of perfectly good mutant mojo.
Most awkward movie moment: Every scene with John Malkovich.
Not in Mutant Chronicles, thank Christ.
Since I am at work and this mother is getting pretty lengthy, I’ll briefly talk about one more film that has absolutely no dorky qualities at all but I liked it so much I just have to blog about it: Little Manhattan. This movie not only makes you fall in love with Manhattan in a way no cornball Meg Ryan movie ever could, but it makes you fall in love with young, innocent love, too. Basically, the film follows the first pangs of love of 2 kids living in the greatest city in North America, from realizing you suddenly got the hots for someone you’ve never really “seen” that way before to the paranoia love brings turning you into a heartbroken, jealous psychopath. The only bad thing I can think of about this movie is the fact that a 10-year old boy went through the same bullshit I did in my late-20’s. That and if a kid hangs around outside a girl’s place it’s cute. If I do it, I’m looking down the barrel of stalking charges.
Best movie moment: the hand holding scene. I know, I know. I’m a fucking sap.
Most awkward movie scene: the wrestling-on-the-bedroom-floor scene. I know they’re only kids and still a few years from becoming total sex starved perverts, but that still didn’t stop me from feeling like I was an article of removed underoos away from watching a kiddie porn. Ultimate awkward. Maybe it’s just me. Still, it didn’t stop me from pining about that special, first kiss. You’ll have tons of kisses in your time, but a first only happens once. This is the part where I type *sigh* like a little, fucking girl.
Come on, that's adorable!!!
That’s about it from me for now. I should probably get back to my job. I promise I’ll write about the surprisingly boner-inducing Speed Racer in the next blog. I’ll probably do a bit about some comic books, too, since last week was insane with them. I’m due for this week’s new batch and I’m still working on last week’s. Not to mention Captain America finally finished the “The Death of Captain America” story arc that’s been going on for close to 2 years now, burying Steve Rogers and introducing the new Cap in one hell of a conspiracy plot. Hog frigging heaven, I’ll tell ya.
This post was brought to you by experimental overusage of bold font. (And I'm noticing way too many images of intimate moments. What the hell has gotten into me??)
Let’s talk TV.
Anyone catch this week’s Heroes? It was the perfect mixture of hokey, bad acting, and amazing plot surprises. I was happy. And William Katt made an appearance again, even if it were simply a photo in a newspaper article. Oh, Billy, you’ll always be my Greatest American Hero. It's criminal you got offed in the first episode.
I’m also proud to report that Pushing Daisies is back on the air with Season #2!!! Seriously, one of my most favorite shows of all time. If you haven’t watched it yet, don’t start now. Well, I guess you could, but I suggest you watch the first 9 episodes of Season 1. You won’t get lost like with…well, Lost if you don’t, but it would certainly help. Oh, and if you haven't yet seen Lee Pace in The Fall, you really need to re-prioritize.
Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job just wrapped up the Season 3 finale last week with Brownie Mountain. Is it just me or are the seasons getting progressively shorter and shorter? It ravages me on the kitchen table and is out the door before I can even get out an “I love you,” leaving me a sweaty and confused mess. Come home soon, Tim and Eric. Come home soon.
But enough about my love life. Let’s talk movies!
Okay, as promised, here is what I thought of the rest of the films I saw while I was fighting off the SARS virus.
I’m going to start with The Mummy: Something About a Dragon King or Something Like That. Poop sandwich. The first 2 movies were adventurous and fun. This was not. That’s all I can really say about it. Great idea. Sad execution. Having another actress play Rachel Weiss’s role ruined it for me. I can’t stand when they do that. Just do what they did in the Jaws series when Roy Scheider didn’t come back and say she died of a heart attack in between films. I mean, something like 20 years had gone by between 2 and 3, so it could have been done (and yet, everyone except their kid and, of course, Rachel Weiss, miraculously looked exactly the same. Must have been the Pearl Cream they picked up in Shangrila). There. Problem solved. And no one had to exhaust their suspension of disbelief, because God knows we needed it with this bullshit. I’d go into the plot, but what do you possibly need to know? Everyone is bored with their non-mummy fighting lives. Wouldn’t you know it, a mummy comes to life. He has magic. He’s Chinese. He turns into a dragon. Slapstick genius Brendan Frasier and family fight him, thus giving their lives purpose once more and bringing them all closer together. The end.
Rachel Weiss
Not Rachel Weiss
Best movie moment: Yetis. Anything that includes the cousins of the great Florida Skunkape can’t be all bad. Except this movie. It would need about a dozen more Snowmen, and handful of Snipes, and a whole army of Chupacabras to have saved itself.
Most awkward movie moment: everything else. I haven’t scratched my head this much over a Brendan Frasier film since Monkeybone.
Since we’re loosely on the subject of Where-Are-They-Now plot devices, let’s take a look at X-Files: I Want to Believe. It was the longest episode of the X-Files I have ever seen. That’s pretty much the extent of it. Mulder is in hiding from the FBI after having been canned and made to look nuts (you can tell he’s in hiding because of his unkempt beard), Scully is some kind of brain surgeon in a religiously run hospital (you can tell a lot of time has gone by because of her long hair), and they’re both bumping uglies. Oh, Amanda Peet’s in it, too, only not naked. Already a bad mark for this flick. Aside from mentioning his AWOL sister a couple of times, this movie has absolutely nothing at all to do with the usual X-Files fair of evil aliens and cloned superhumans. It was merely a filler episode. A really long filler episode. Now that’s not to say it wasn’t at all entertaining. X-Files has a special place in my heart and it was really nice to see Agents Mulder and Scully doing what they do best (never mind that I pretty much stopped watching when the T-2000 became a regular). Though, you’d think after all these years and all the shit she’s been witness to, Dana Scully would get her head out of her ass and stop being such a God damned Doubting Thomas. They really played up to her strengths as an actual doctor, which is something they rarely did in the television series aside from using it to accentuate her stance as “the logical one,” which always kind of bugged me. Mulder was just plain, old Mulder. Not much about this guy has changed with the exception of his beard and newly admitted sex lust. I’ve always wished they’d do an X-Files/Red Shoe Diaries crossover.
Best movie moment: the return of father figure and all around awesome bald guy Agent Skinner. It happens pretty late in the film, but when he finally shows up, you just know everything is going to be all right.
Most awkward movie moment: how this episode suddenly became a movie in its final 10 minutes. So there I am, enjoying the show and wondering if Chris Carter knows how much JJ Abrams has ripped him off with Fringe, when all of a sudden the orchestra comes in and Mulder and Scully are having “a Hollywood moment.” What the fuck?!?!? It was like being tossed into ice water after getting out of a sauna. I could have done without that forced bit of nonsense.
Of course, there was that bit of awkwardness with Billy Connolly being a convicted child molesting psychic ex-priest who bleeds from his eyes. I shit you not. I couldn't make something like that up. Not that I'd really want to.
The fuck is this nonsense?!?!? Give me some aliens, damnit!!!!!!!
Oh, and speaking of Fringe and rip-offs, Jerry Bruckheimer’s The Eleventh Hour is on tonight on CBS. Oh, so is the American version of Life On Mars on ABC. Normally, I’d predict it would be a huge piece of shit if it weren’t for Harvey Keitel being in it and the success of our version of The Office. Whatever. At least Reality TV is going the way of Paris Hilton’s vajayjay.
Okay, enough digressing. Now I want to talk about a fun movie. Not a great movie by any stretch, but fun nonetheless. It’s a little known film called The Mutant Chronicles and it stars Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman with an awful brogue accent, that one scary Asian chick from Sin City, and a couple of dudes from some Guy Ritchie films. Oh, and John Malkovich is in it as, what else, an ambiguously gay, apathetic city leader. Don't be confused like was at first. This has absolutely nothing to do with the collectible figure game nor the piece of shit computer game. Me being who I am, I was desperately hoping to see some mutants with laser beams coming out of their eyes and healing factors and shit. No such luck. What I got was a movie that was cross between I Am Legend, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Doomsday, and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. No lie.
Wrong mutants.
I have nothing really bad to say about this movie mainly because I kinda knew what to expect going in. When you jump into a pool with no water, you know you're going to walk away with a limp. A huge machine sent from another planet starts making killer mutants out of people (they’re basically really fast crazies with spikes for hands and super tough to kill). “The Ancients” or whatever seal this thing up underground and it stays there until a great war breaks the seal (as usual) and the machine picks back up where it left off. A ragtag group of Earth’s last hope, led by Hellboy and The Punisher, is assembled and journeys underground to blow the machine up. Hilarity and sword fights ensue. Did I mention Ron Perlman has a shitty brogue accent?
My only real gripe about this film is that it chronologically makes little sense. They state the amount of time that goes by during the course of the film but it never matches up with the events that take place. I don’t know, maybe time is different in the future.
Best movie moment: every sacrifice made from every character in the film. No joke. Damn near every single person in this movie sacrifices him or herself for the rest of the group, until there’s one man standing. Of course, that one man standing didn’t sacrifice shit and lived to tell the tale, so good for him. There’s also a part that had potential to be the best movie moment where Thomas Jane gets turned into half a mutant. Does he get super mutant powers? Faster? Stronger? Spike hand? Does he go head-to-head with the evil mutants as a super hybrid mutant man destroying all in his path? Nope. He gets a fucked up face, loses half his hair, and dicks around. That’s it. What a waste of perfectly good mutant mojo.
Most awkward movie moment: Every scene with John Malkovich.
Not in Mutant Chronicles, thank Christ.
Since I am at work and this mother is getting pretty lengthy, I’ll briefly talk about one more film that has absolutely no dorky qualities at all but I liked it so much I just have to blog about it: Little Manhattan. This movie not only makes you fall in love with Manhattan in a way no cornball Meg Ryan movie ever could, but it makes you fall in love with young, innocent love, too. Basically, the film follows the first pangs of love of 2 kids living in the greatest city in North America, from realizing you suddenly got the hots for someone you’ve never really “seen” that way before to the paranoia love brings turning you into a heartbroken, jealous psychopath. The only bad thing I can think of about this movie is the fact that a 10-year old boy went through the same bullshit I did in my late-20’s. That and if a kid hangs around outside a girl’s place it’s cute. If I do it, I’m looking down the barrel of stalking charges.
Best movie moment: the hand holding scene. I know, I know. I’m a fucking sap.
Most awkward movie scene: the wrestling-on-the-bedroom-floor scene. I know they’re only kids and still a few years from becoming total sex starved perverts, but that still didn’t stop me from feeling like I was an article of removed underoos away from watching a kiddie porn. Ultimate awkward. Maybe it’s just me. Still, it didn’t stop me from pining about that special, first kiss. You’ll have tons of kisses in your time, but a first only happens once. This is the part where I type *sigh* like a little, fucking girl.
Come on, that's adorable!!!
That’s about it from me for now. I should probably get back to my job. I promise I’ll write about the surprisingly boner-inducing Speed Racer in the next blog. I’ll probably do a bit about some comic books, too, since last week was insane with them. I’m due for this week’s new batch and I’m still working on last week’s. Not to mention Captain America finally finished the “The Death of Captain America” story arc that’s been going on for close to 2 years now, burying Steve Rogers and introducing the new Cap in one hell of a conspiracy plot. Hog frigging heaven, I’ll tell ya.
This post was brought to you by experimental overusage of bold font. (And I'm noticing way too many images of intimate moments. What the hell has gotten into me??)
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