You've Been a Bad, Bad Franchise. You Need to be Punished!

Well, it is a balmy 59 degrees outside, crystal blue skies, and the birds are singing. What better time to be stuck at work, sitting in a windowless office? Bah, screw it. I don’t even know what “balmy” means. I have nothing to do for the next 6 hours, so…

Let’s talk movies.

I was going to write about my recent Star Wars obsession, but I saw something the other day that completely curtailed any desire to pen (or, in this case, key) about my childhood desires of being Han Solo and nabbing Princess Leia in her slave outfit. What came across my friends’ television pretty much had me drop to my knees and thank whatever god is above who looks kindly upon good old fashioned comic book shoot-‘em-ups and the industry people who pray to them. In case you haven’t yet guessed, I’m referring to Punisher: War Zone.


It's a big image, but my god it's glorious. Definitely modeled after Tim Bradstreet's work.

First, let me point out that I know I’m probably setting myself up for a let down of biblical proportions. In fact, if there ever was a Book of Shawn written, it would probably consist of one page with the words “Damn it all to hell!” written upon it from having been disappointed so many friggin’ times from various things in my life, most of which having come in the form of film adaptations. “Why hast thou forsaken me?” may even make an appearance. So, yes, I’m very well aware I’m jumping the gun, especially considering Punisher in movie format really has yet to get to that point where it can jump the shark. This might be its chance.

This is what I saw: the Marvel Knights logo (would have pleased me to no end if it was Marvel Max, but I’m content to have my cake without eating it, as pointless as that is), a lot of darkness, a lot of gunfire, a tombstone with the name “Castle” on it, some guy wearing a skull shirt who looks like he could kick the living shit out of both Dolph Lundgren and Thomas Jane just by staring at them, a stitched up guy who just has to be Jigsaw, more darkness, and more gunfire. Yeah, I’m going out on a limb here and I’m guessing this one doesn’t take place in Tampa. I’m also going out on an even further limb and guessing that this Punisher is going to be immeasurably better than its predecessors. It’s called War Zone for fuck sake! How could you screw that up?!?!?


Anyone? Anyone?

Which brings me to the last movie starring Thomas Jane as our anti-hero and John Travolta as our mob boss baddie. Just the thought alone makes me laugh out loud a little. I mean, it’s bad enough you have John Travolta as the bad guy (Go get ‘im, sweat hogs! Up his nose wit a rubbah hose!), but the whole thing takes place in Tampa. Fucking Tampa!! I pretty much grew up in Tampa and believe me, the only criminal element you really need to worry about are the idiot ravers and psycho Bucs fans. But Tampa mobs?? Hahahahaha!!!! Oh, man. Setting aside, the rest of that movie was a wash up. They loosely- very, very, loosely- followed Garth Ennis’s first run of Punisher when it was under the Marvel Max banner, which is basically Marvel’s version of DC’s Vertigo, where it ignored the comic code and let the books go hog wild with nudity, foul language, and blood. Good for the Punisher, perfect for Garth Ennis writing the Punisher. I’ll never forget the storyline with Wolverine and the gang of wiseguy midgets. I shit you not.

The movie had some of Ennis’s characters, such as the Russian (extremely watered down), Joan, and Spacker Dave, but none of his attitude or sick humor. Thomas Jane, as much as I enjoy his films, just was not a believable Frank Castle. That whole scene where he made the guy talk by telling him he was taking a blow torch to him when he was really sticking a Popsicle against his skin was lame, lame, LAME!!! (I'm fully aware he actually did this in Punisher War Zone Vol. 1 #1 because I own it, but that was following the comics code and movies have no excuse!!) The Punisher I know and love would have actually had no qualms at all with taking a real blowtorch to the hood! That is, after pulling out his teeth, cutting off his fingers, and shooting him in the gut. Christ on a comic (I’m ripping off Mary Tyler Whore, here), John Travolta did more Punishing than the Punisher!!!!! You know, I’m just going to stop now. I’m getting myself upset. I’m just glad I saw the film in the dollar theater on a 75 cent Tuesday and we had all snuck in a bunch of beer. The only punishing the Punisher did that night was to the audience.


I know, kids. I know.

If I was an actual writer, who did his homework before writing, I would have watched the first Punisher movie starring Dolph Lundgren before even so much as mentioning it. Mainly so I can write something, anything, about it. I saw the flick when I was a kid, so I don’t really remember any of it. All I do remember was Castle heating up a knife while hiding out in the sewers and pressing the red hot blade to a bullet hole in his side, letting out a scream. At the time, I thought that was pretty badass. Now, not so much. If he wanted pain, he should have waited a few years for the next Punisher film. Still, if I had to guess, I’d say that movie was like the barely-mentionable Captain America, but with guns. Methinks I need to hit up Netflix for a refresher.

So, let’s just compare the Punisher of a few years ago with War Zone:

-Thomas Jane vs. the guy who played Titus in Rome who looks like he’s been through hell and back. Winner: Titus
-Jigsaw (who's played by the guy with my last name on The Wire) vs. John Travolta. Winner: Jigsaw
-The dark and gritty New York City underworld vs. sunny Tampa, FL. Winner: NYC. It'll always be NYC.
-Actual punishing vs. running around with your retarded neighbors and sticking ice pops on guys. Winner: come on, who doesn’t like ice pops?
-Punisher's sidekick Microchip vs. no one at all. Winner: undecided


Better than Travolta

Seeing as how I’ve just effectively kicked a 90-minute film’s ass with a 20-second spot I saw on television, I’m willing to bet War Zone is going to be fantastic, let alone one of those rare sequels that outshines the film it follows. The best part of this whole thing is that Marvel is kicking off a Punisher War Zone weekly series, reuniting Frank Castle with Preacher team Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon (I said Glen Fabry in the past as artist because I’m an idiot). It looks like 2008 is the year everyone gets Punisher right. I’m not even going to get into the Foolkiller/Punisher crossover.

Speaking of creepy ass Spacker Dave, let’s take a look at other roles Ben Foster has played because I'm sick of talking about the Punisher.


Here’s Ben as a creepy vampire worshipper


Here’s Ben as a creepy X-Man


Here’s Ben as a creepy cowboy


Here’s Ben as a creepy suburban gangsta


And here’s a little Ben as a creepy mentally challenged kid

Oddly enough, I couldn’t find any pics of Ben playing a creepy Spacker Dave. Go figure. Seriously, though, I love me some Ben Foster. There’s some weird rumor going around he might be playing Carnage in the next unnecessary Spider-Man movie. It’s certainly fitting.

In more news that has absolutely nothing to do with the Punisher, I saw Wall-E last night. I really liked it a lot. It was very cute and very smart when it came to its social commentary regarding where we're all headed if we continue being lazy fucks.