2 Reasons to Stay Inside

So, I’ve been rocking out all morning to The Soviettes, who I haven’t listed to in a while. And this is good, because ever since Cheryl threw on De La Soul Is Dead last week, that’s all I’ve been listening to. Anyway, I just got the thought in my head that it’s been a while since LP 3 came out and wondered when they’ll be puting out something new. I checked Wikipedia and wouldn’t you know it, they broke up. God damnit. I missed them play at Will’s Pub a few years back thinking it’s not a big deal because I’m sure they’ll come around again. This is the umpteenth time I’ve done that. When will I ever learn?

Never mind the bullocks, let’s talk video games!!!

I’m going to rewrite the Silver Jews “Room Games and Diamond Rain” to “Video Games and Diamond Rain.” It just seems more perfect to me. Of course, there’s Sunny Day’s “Guitar and Video Games.” Spot on, Enigk, spot on. Anyway, I’m getting way off topic here. I’ve been immersed (not submerged, Mary) with some pretty great games as of late. So much so that I’m becoming the hermit I’ve always feared of being, which is good, I suppose, because it keeps me home and out of trouble. Though, it also keeps me from going out and meeting that “special someone.” Fuck it. I know a few people who’ve met others online and it’s worked out for them so far, no matter how pitiful and lame I think it. I don’t care how technologically far along we are. There’s nothing like meeting a chick at a bar as opposed to during the act of fighting a dark elf in WoW. It’s a lot more organic and way the fuck less lame.



Well, Xbox Live has finally kicked off their new Xbox Live Experience. I gotta admit, it’s pretty neato. You can make your own avatar, which is a massive Nintendo Wii rip-off. The only difference is you can’t really do anything with the little guy you made. He/she just stands there, wishing they could bowl or box. Still, my guy looks just like me. It’s spooky and I love it. The whole layout is completely different and a lot more user friendly than the way it once was a mere month ago, though it does take a little getting used to. There’s some added stuff to the whole deal, but I have yet to explore it all that much aside from the increased ease of downloading game content and checking on your various achievements. I do know that if you have a Netflix account, you can stream movies right there through your system. No more waiting for the mail. Plus, fairly soon you’ll be able to simultaneously watch the movies with your Xbox friends. Not in the same room, mind you, but over the net. Pretty cool concept, but I doubt I’ll ever use it. Refer to the above meeting-girls-in-bars rant to better comprehend my stance on online socialization. I’m a dork, not socially inept. Yet.


Nothing, and I mean nothing, beats a good, ole fashioned TV Party.

Right before I moved out of the old place, I received a new Gamefly game in the mail called Overlord. I got my hands on the demo a while back and was pretty intrigued by it. It’s not your average game. In it, you play as the Overlord, who looks a lot like Sauron from Lord of the Rings. Hey, if you’ve seen one evil, omnipotent overlord, you’ve seen ‘em all. You’re resurrected at the start of the game and it’s up to you to re-establish your kingdom. At your disposal are minions, little Gremlin looking fuckers who you control. In fact, you don’t really have to lift much of a finger through the whole game. You just send your minions to do your bidding, which includes fucking up crops, killing peasants and animals, looting and destroying homes, and other bits of nastiness. Of course, you don’t have to do all of this (there’s an achievement if you don’t), but where the hell is the fun in that?? When was the last time you saw someone in GTA help an old lady across the street? To hell with that! Punch her in the face and take her money! It’s hilarious! The normal story consists of you “helping” people out by going after corrupt Heroes and giving them dirt naps. You run into all sorts of fantasy creatures, like “Halflings,” man-eating unicorns, faggy ghost elves, wizards, zombies, and other things I’ve yet to confront. Along the way you can gain access to more minions with different specialties, amassing a large army in the process. You can also forge and enhance new weapons and spruce up your Dark Tower, which is much more satisfying than forging since you really don’t need to use your weapons and armor all that much because you have your minions doing everything for you. However, it’s a necessary evil if you want those achievement points. I’m having a hell of a blast with this game, so far. The controls are kind of konky, but easily overlooked. I’m looking forward to the prequel coming out. Apparently, it takes place during Ancient Roman times, so you get to mess with mythological creatures. Fun times.

The absolute best part of the game? Getting your minions wasted and then watching them whip out their deebie-dobbies to piss everywhere. No lie.

The worst part? Whereas you get points for killing 10 women (the achievement is called "Wenchbane," haha!), you can't get really evil with them and do dirty things. The Overlord is just moderately evil. And yes, I am one of those sick fucks who enjoy having sex with hookers in GTA and then killing them to get my money back. I'd do their corpses if the game would let me.


Go, my minions! Go forth and be somewhat evil!!!!

Next up is kind of a given. Gears of War 2. The new roommie got it the other day. I mean, what can I really say? It’s Gears of War 2. It’s better than Gears of War 1. The graphics are better, the game play is about the same, it has an actual coherent storyline this time around, and it’s non-stop, fucking insane action right out of the gate, as it should be. It’s absolutely amazing. This time around, there’s just one town left on the planet that’s safe from the Hoarde and it’s up to you as Fenix, Santiago, that cocky blonde bastard, and the token black dude Cole Train (yeah, I thought that was pretty funny the first time, too) to take the fight to those underground pieces of shit by going directly to where they live and finally fucking them up for good, all the while looking for Santiago’s long lost family. It’s everything the first one was times, well, times 2, I guess. I’m looking forward to getting to the end. Apparently, Gears of War is supposed to be a trilogy and I’m wondering if it’s going to end in an Empire Strikes Back/Attack of the Clones kind of way. You know, darkest before the dawn shit. And just like the last game, the 2 player co-op split screen gives me headaches. I’m starting to remember why I played the first one high as a kite and blasted Asthma Attak when I did co-op at Harvard Manor with Chris “How Many Birthday Shows Can I Squeeze Out of the Social” Rae. I love that guy.


Yep. That's the actual game. I get a semi just looking at it.

Still, there’s nothing at all more satisfying than ripping a Grub in half with the chainsaw attached to your gun or slapping a grenade on pretty much anything and watching it helplessly explode. Actually, penis and vagina is way more satisfying, but good luck getting some of that while you’re busy playing video games. (And if you are doing just that, I hate you. I fucking hate you and your online dating, you lucky son of a bitch.)

All of this video game goodness comes to you from my new beautiful, gynormous HDTV. Actually, it’s the roommie's, but it’s in the house in which I live and that, dear readers, is good enough for moi.

You know what's kind of awesome? Remembering that, after writing a long ass blog, you had replaced that Soviettes CD with something else and you've forgotten what it was. You hit play and on comes the Thermals' first album. Fuck yeah. That's like finding a fiver in your pocket and a pair of awesome tits in your face. Of course, if that happens all at once, chances are you're in a strip club and about to lose that money. The Thermals, however, ain't going nowhere.

I leave you this post with Geek poseurs:



These 2 are not geeks. Nor are they gamers. Nor did they meet online. I mean, just look at them! They're muy caliente, as the server who waited on me at Habenero's last night would say. Nerd girls don't look like that! Ever!!! They're fat and they have bad skin and don't know how to properly apply make-up and dress poorly. Those are the girls that always fall for me. Not the girl in the picture. However, I now have a pretty good idea why I love argyle so much. I wasn't aware it was a stereoype.