Ze Plane! Ze Plane!

To keep up with the island theme (see last post about LOST), I decided to continue on with the teaser I left a few posts ago when I honored the life of Ricardo Montalban. I do a lot of research on Wikipedia. And by a lot, I mean, every time I look something up, I click on damn near every single link throughout whatever article I'm reading. I'm a total fag for learning. It's also where I get some of my keen info that I post on here. Really the only difference between me and Wikipedia is that I have more pictures and I'm a lot funnier. Well, anyway, as I was doing a little research on Ricardo Montalban (none of which I ended up using), I got to reading about a certain someone who has always been close to my heart. And by close to my heart, I mean he was really, really short.

Let's talk Herve Villechaize!!!!

Who the fuck is Herve Villechaize?!?!?!? Are you kidding?!?!? Have you never seen a single episode of Fantasy Island?!?!? Have you never seen the James Bond film The Man With the Golden Gun?!?!? Even those who have never seen Fantasy Island (never mind that God awful late 90's remake with Malcolm McDowell) should be at least vaguely familiar with the iconic call "Ze plane! Ze plane!"

Little Big World

Herve, better known as Tattoo, the diminutive assistant to Montalban's Mr. Roarke, and the evil Knick Knack from The Man With the Golden Gun, was born in 1943 to a British mother and French father of Filipino ancestory. Due to excessive coffee drinking, his growth was stunted and he suffered from proportionate dwarfism. Nah, I'm just kidding. It was a thyroid problem. It's always a thyroid problem with these little fuckers. Still, don't drink coffee, kids. Well, apparently, Mr. Villechaize got a lot of shit from kids when he went to school, further strengthening my opinon that French people are assholes, and he found escape in painting, leading him to become an *shudder* art student.

Darren Aranofsky had originally cast Villechaize in "The Wrestler," which, needless to say, wasn't "Golden Globe worthy"

Get Shorty

After a stint in some French art school (a term that makes me want to go into a culture seizure), Herve packed up his tiny, little bags and headed to the promising, golden shores of the USA where he ate out of dumpsters and lived as a vagrant. I'm only half making that up. He taught himself how to speak English watching television and did a bunch of plays. He had a bunch of roles in crappy movies, like Oliver Stone's Seizure (2nd time I got to use that word in one paragraph!), Carnival of Blood, and even an offer to be in Dune waaaay before Lynch was hired to direct. I can't for the life of me figure out which role he was being considered for. Maybe Alicia Witt's Alia? God damn that would have been funny!


Ze spice, Barron! Ze spice!

Anyway, so he got his James Bond role, which pretty much pulled the little fella out of poverty and landed him his spot on Fantasy Island. Out of the Pinto and into the penthouse. Now, here's something important to remember. Do not, and I mean, Do Not, get Herve's Knick Knack character confused with Weng Weng, Agent 003 1/2 from For Your Height Only. These are 2 entirely different people. Weng Weng was skilled in martial arts and had a shit ton of gadgets, like flying pork pie hats. Knick Knack just ran around and looked dapper.

Knick Knack

Not Knick Knack

The Terror of Tiny Town

So, the big man ended up getting himself a bitchin supporting role on Fantasy Island as that little shit who liked to yell a lot and tried to run people over with his golf cart. Here's where things started to get fun. It turns out, and I didn't know this, that good ole, fun loving Tattoo was a real pain in the ass to work with. He used to fight with the producers all of the time and, get this, he was a huge womanizer!!!! Fuck yeah, guy!!! The man was Gary Coleman before Gary Coleman was Gary Coleman!!! God damn it, I would have been honored to have been his wing man. On top of it all, and maybe this was because he was French, he insisted on being a called a midget. Holy crap, what is up with this guy???? Doing that pretty much pissed off all of the other hobbits in Hollywoodland who wanted to be called "little people," including Billy Barty. I don't know if you've seen Legend or Under the Rainbow or not, but Billy Barty was not someone to be fucked with, to hell with what the Razzies say. Anyway, I have it on very good authority (an actual conversation I had back in 2001 with Warwick Davis) that they're called "short actors" now. Haha! Whatever.

Big pimpin?

Death Rides a Small Horse

Ultimately, Herve got fired from Fantasy Island and was replaced with some hoity-toity douchebag who couldn't even be bothered enough to ring the damn bell. Needless to say, that was the Island's last season, which proves Tattoo carried that show. Later, he was in a couple of Skinemax movies and, according to his butler, fell into the habit of sitting in a dark room every night, getting wasted, and screaming obscenities at old Fantasy Island reruns. Sounds like we both have something in common. Okay, now close your eyes and picture this whole scenario in your head. Amazing.

Here's where things get kinda sad. It's also where I smack myself upside the head and exclaim, "No shit!" Herve committed suicide in 1993 by shooting himself. Shut up, it's not funny!!! Okay, maybe slightly. Can you imagine that huge gun in his little hand? I gotta know how he did it. I don't mean to disrespect, but it would have been cool if he had survived and came out looking like a little Arseface from Preacher. He totally would have gotten parts in Ghoulies sequels. Anyway, it turns out that at the time of his untimely demise he was in talks with the Williams Street people to be the actual co-host on Space Ghost Coast to Coast. That show is fucking awesome to begin with! Can you imagine how much more incredible it would have been with Tattoo running around?!?!?!?! Herve, you idiot.

And so ends our tale of Herve Villechaize (complete with experimental chapter headings!!!!). Undoubtedly, he left one hell of a legacy behind. You can disagree with me if you want, but all I know is that I spent a very large majority of my childhood running around screaming about planes arriving every 5 minutes, much to my parents' dismay. Herve even found himself shirtless on the cover of a Spazz 7" complete with drawn on jailhouse tattoos. If that doesn't say "you've made it," nothing will. Close it out for us, Randy Newman!!!!