I just realized it’s been way over a week since I last posted. Despite my prior claims of not giving a flying poo, I really did have every intention of posting to this thing regularly. The best laid plans of mice and men. This is what happens when a really lazy person constantly finds himself doing 10 different things at once. This whole ADD thing will be the death of me, I just….
Sorry, I got distracted. What was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. Let’s talk movies!!!
You know him. You love him. I almost was him this Halloween (I just couldn’t find a female brave enough or who gave a shit enough to be my counterpart. Shocking, no?)!!! Here he comes! It’s Speed Racer!!
That’s right, I wanted to be the Man with the Monogram G for Halloween but I couldn’t find one single lady who wanted to be Trixie. It’s fucking Trixie for crying out loud!!! It’s not like I was asking them to be Chim Chim or the Socket to my Plug or some other equally horrible couple’s costume. Hell, they even have Sexy Trixie outfits in case my lady wanted to whore it up a bit. (Have you seen the Sexy Super Hero costumes this year? Oh man oh man. If my girl dressed in one of those, I’d have to dress up as a tent. If you can’t figure out why, you need to watch more internet porn or do more camping.)
Pretty-Damn sexy
Are-You-Fucking-Kidding-Me Sexy
I’m digressing, I know. I’m surrounded by heart breakers and buzz kills.
When I had first watched the trailer for Speed Racer online, I was skeptical, at best. Okay, I’m fibbing a little. I thought it was going to be a huge pile of dung. It looked way too flashy, way too CGI’d, and I had just seen Alpha Dog so the last thing I wanted to see was Emile Hirsch as Speed running around, doing blow, and paying his friends to off Spritle and bury him in a shallow grave. Actually, come to think of it, hell yeah I’d want to see that!! Regardless, a live-action film remake of an ancient, quirky Anime directed by the Wachowski brothers doesn’t exactly sound like a winner. This is why I was a little baffled when my comrade-in-arms, Brian, told me he really enjoyed it. That alone got me very, very interested.
Unfortunately, I watched this as a download on my computer and not in the IMAX, which would have made my Willy wiley. For the record, Willy is the name of one of the chimp actors who played Chim Chim. I can’t believe I actually just typed “chimp actors.” This movie was truly outstanding! First off, I really didn’t know who was in it, aside from Emile Hirsch and, of course, Matthew Fox, because I’m a Lostie. (Yes, I feel as gay as that sounds.) You can just imagine my delight when Christina and her Riccis came bouncing into frame. And at one point she truly was bouncing a bit. I probably rewound and watched that same 1.5 seconds a good 10 times. Susan Sarandon was in the shot, too, but I did my best to not let that kill the mood. I just kept thinking back to how hot she was in Rocky Horror (though, for the record, I still can’t stand that movie or its hellish songs). I was also pretty damned happy to see John Goodman as Pops. They really couldn’t have cast that part any better. Of course, there was Chim Chim and Spritle. Seriously, you just want to kick the living hell out of that little shit Spritle through the whole movie, but Chim Chim was alright. I can’t stand overly-rambunctious little kids, but I do have a soft spot for primates, even crazy, violent ones like chimps. Especially crazy, violent ones. Ever see Monkey Shines? Oh hells yes.
When I had first watched the trailer for Speed Racer online, I was skeptical, at best. Okay, I’m fibbing a little. I thought it was going to be a huge pile of dung. It looked way too flashy, way too CGI’d, and I had just seen Alpha Dog so the last thing I wanted to see was Emile Hirsch as Speed running around, doing blow, and paying his friends to off Spritle and bury him in a shallow grave. Actually, come to think of it, hell yeah I’d want to see that!! Regardless, a live-action film remake of an ancient, quirky Anime directed by the Wachowski brothers doesn’t exactly sound like a winner. This is why I was a little baffled when my comrade-in-arms, Brian, told me he really enjoyed it. That alone got me very, very interested.
Unfortunately, I watched this as a download on my computer and not in the IMAX, which would have made my Willy wiley. For the record, Willy is the name of one of the chimp actors who played Chim Chim. I can’t believe I actually just typed “chimp actors.” This movie was truly outstanding! First off, I really didn’t know who was in it, aside from Emile Hirsch and, of course, Matthew Fox, because I’m a Lostie. (Yes, I feel as gay as that sounds.) You can just imagine my delight when Christina and her Riccis came bouncing into frame. And at one point she truly was bouncing a bit. I probably rewound and watched that same 1.5 seconds a good 10 times. Susan Sarandon was in the shot, too, but I did my best to not let that kill the mood. I just kept thinking back to how hot she was in Rocky Horror (though, for the record, I still can’t stand that movie or its hellish songs). I was also pretty damned happy to see John Goodman as Pops. They really couldn’t have cast that part any better. Of course, there was Chim Chim and Spritle. Seriously, you just want to kick the living hell out of that little shit Spritle through the whole movie, but Chim Chim was alright. I can’t stand overly-rambunctious little kids, but I do have a soft spot for primates, even crazy, violent ones like chimps. Especially crazy, violent ones. Ever see Monkey Shines? Oh hells yes.
Enough about the cast, let’s talk about the action! I used to watch Nascar back in the day with my friends. This proves that I’ll do anything to find an excuse to sit around and drink with my buddies. However, I might have forgotten about the beer altogether if Nascar resembled anything I saw on the screen during Speed Racer. When I said that it looked like it had too much CGI, I was obviously talking out of my ass and I had no inkling of how the world actually works. It was perfect! The colors were glaring, the action was fucking intense, and the gadgets these cars had were nothing less than badass. I mean, the only thing that would have made it all more exciting is if they added battle ponies (what I call unicorns) with rocket launchers to the races. All of that crazy hydraulic-lifting, buzz-saw-wheel, road-burning, explosive, flying-off-the-blacktop, over-the-top-character action you remember as a kid from the anime was in this movie. I was seriously impressed and I fully forgive the Wachowskis for ruining a good thing with Matrixes 2 and 3. (In all honesty, they already found retribution with V for Vendetta, but I still like to talk shit.) Plus, they gave us the best of both worlds: the insane, physically impossible race tracks and the deadly cross country marathons. They fit everything that needed to be fit into this movie and followed the feel of the original cartoon perfectly in just a mere 2 hours. Not to mention a good two-thirds of the film was spent racing fucking killer, sleek, future cars. I mean, these guys were installing parts into cars that don't even exist!!! They were all glowy and steamy!!! Good God I want one!
I’m sure there are other things I can say about this film, but it’s been something like a month since I watched it and a lot has been pushed to the side by newer things in my memory. All I can say is that I wanted to be Speed for Halloween. ‘Nuff said.
I could have been one of these assholes. *sigh*
Best Movie Moment: the races and Christina Riccis tits. I mean, you don’t really get any good boob shots, but by God, it’s enough just knowing that they’re there. Oh, and Matt Fox as Racer X has a pretty cool final scene. It wasn’t groundbreaking or anything, but it was a revelation that was executed pretty well. Here's some food for thought: I just realized that Racer X would have been a role probably awarded to Keanu Reeves if it weren't for the existance of Matt Fox's recent celebrity. Now imagine how much better Keanu Reeves' movies would have been if he were replaced by Fox (Bill and Ted excluded, naturally). Crazy, right?
Most Awkward Movie Moment: Spritle giving the one-finger salute to the bad guy (and jonesing for candy like a crack whore in a walk-in clinic) and Speed Racer using foul language. He said shit or fuck or something so out of character that it made even my gutter mouth drop a little. Alpha Racer.
What a twat.
Let’s talk music!
Lego Like Me
Anyone hear the new TV on the Radio album I had mentioned a few posts back? It’s called “Dear Science.” It should have been called “Dear Jesus, Joseph, and Motherfucking Mary” because it’s that damned good! They have seriously outdone themselves with this one. Honorable mentions go out to the new Chuck Ragan and Austin Lucas “Bristle Ridge” (if you have a chance to see them live, do it), The Sea and Cake’s “Car Alarm,” and Wolf Parade’s “At Mount Zoomer” (I know it’s been out for a while, but I have this terrible habit of being months if not years behind everyone else).
I’ve also been listening to Caribou and Loney, Dear a lot lately. It’s just one of those things where you don’t listen to a band for a while and then you rediscover their greatness somewhere down the road.
Since I am yet again writing this at work, I have to cut it a bit short (even though everyone around me is browsing the internets). Believe me, I have a lot more to talk about in the realms of comic books, specifically the current run of the X books and the Secret Invasion series, and video games. I just subscribed to Gamefly (best idea I’ve ever had, I think) and I got my mitts on the highly addictive and highly frustrating Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The game has bugs galore, but hot damn is it fun.
See you later, masticators.
Religious zealots are killing the wrong doctors. Stupid breast reductions.
Let’s talk music!
Lego Like Me
Anyone hear the new TV on the Radio album I had mentioned a few posts back? It’s called “Dear Science.” It should have been called “Dear Jesus, Joseph, and Motherfucking Mary” because it’s that damned good! They have seriously outdone themselves with this one. Honorable mentions go out to the new Chuck Ragan and Austin Lucas “Bristle Ridge” (if you have a chance to see them live, do it), The Sea and Cake’s “Car Alarm,” and Wolf Parade’s “At Mount Zoomer” (I know it’s been out for a while, but I have this terrible habit of being months if not years behind everyone else).
I’ve also been listening to Caribou and Loney, Dear a lot lately. It’s just one of those things where you don’t listen to a band for a while and then you rediscover their greatness somewhere down the road.
Since I am yet again writing this at work, I have to cut it a bit short (even though everyone around me is browsing the internets). Believe me, I have a lot more to talk about in the realms of comic books, specifically the current run of the X books and the Secret Invasion series, and video games. I just subscribed to Gamefly (best idea I’ve ever had, I think) and I got my mitts on the highly addictive and highly frustrating Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. The game has bugs galore, but hot damn is it fun.
See you later, masticators.
Religious zealots are killing the wrong doctors. Stupid breast reductions.
3 comments:
Why are your posts so long? I'm probably the most literate person to read your blog and I started thinking I was reading Ulysses...
Speaking of really long reads... you're really into Secret Invasion? Everyone knows that Final Crisis is where it's at.
I'm still gonna link your blog though.
Come on, you know me. I have lots to say about absolutely nothing! And DC can suck a chode. With Vertigo being the exception, of course. And some of Wildstorm.
P.S. You're a prince. A little prince.
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